Microsoft held a wake yesterday for Exchange 5.5.
This means that any Exchange 5.5 server you see from now on is, officially, a member of the Living Dead. Without further ado, here's a quick survival guide for any encounter you have with Exchange 5.5 the Living Dead:
- RUN! - the Living Dead are famed for being poor performers. You should be able to outpace them pretty easily. However, they may outnumber you considerably in some environments - if this is the case, remember that they are notoriously poor at scaling things. Climb on top of that old mainframe, for example, and you'll be fine. They'll never reach you up there.
- Don't let them bite! - They're quite contagious. You get one, and suddenly you find you've got more and more of them. This is because they're not very intelligent, so they need to recruit more and more hardware bodies to get anything done. If you get even a whiff of an Exchange Server the Living Dead, go straight to step three to remove them while you still can.
- Decapitate them - don't pussyfoot about, go straight for the lovely, juicy braaaaaaaains... Take out the Directory Services head, preferably with a shotgun or a chainsaw. Remember, whilst it has a directory service head, it can still harm you. Take no half measures, and don't let it upgrade - get it splattered whilst you can!
- Burn the remains! - Make sure they can't come back. Burn the remains, and if possible consider getting a priest in for an exorcision just for good measure. (Yes, we know that exorcisms are normally for vampires or werewolfs. But take no chances, eh?) Oh, and burn their backup tapes possessions too - they're probably infected with Living Dead Evil, which makes them utterly useless. Scientists don't know why, but they've never managed to get anything to work properly once tainted...
So, now you know. Remember, folks, a good server room needs three things in it - the door release button, the fire alarm button, and a loaded shotgun in case of the Living Dead. Don't say you weren't warned!
Comments (0)Philip Storry December 1st, 2005 17:31:00
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